So long...

Here is a recurring emotion I have been wrestling with for over a year. My photography is a total failure and I am extremely disappointed. I have tried to break this downwards spiral and there have been brief periods of time during which I have been fooled to think that perhaps I was doing something meaningful and that somebody out there might have enjoyed my work after all. How wrong have I been! Eventually, there was nothing to soothe the pain of utter disillusionment after trying so hard for so long. I now give up. This is my farewell to photography and also to OPF (in case anybody around here still cares).

My dear friend,
Distance is the only thing preventing me from knocking on your door and saying this face-to-face.
You are terribly mistaken.
To believe your image-making is worthless is nonsense.
To believe no one at OPF has interest in your images is nonsense.
And most nonsensical is the belief you have no friends here.
It was only two days ago I sent a PM to Asher proclaiming "Hurray! Cem is back!" after seeing your post.

Your valuable imagery and equally valuable dialog has been sorely missed.
Many of us have had doubts about the value of our photographs and many of us have struggled in the past.
Rachel has publically spoken about it, as have I and others.
Even if you cannot find the motivation to shoot, we want (as in need) your input.
Please reconsider. Send me a PM or an email and we'll chat about it some more in a more private surrounding.

Cem, you indicate this decision to quit photography and OPF comes after a year-long struggle. I do not, and cannot, know the specifics of the situation, but I nevertheless respect your choice and the seriousness with which it was made. I sincerely hope, however, that this leave taking is temporary; a time of rest where the joy of looking through a viewfinder might eventually be rediscovered.

I care. I care for my friends. You are one of them.

There is the post baby blues...
there is the Christmas/New year's blues...

Stating that nobody would care of your leaving is extremely gross

One year is nothing, at least it gave you time to think.
I won't be the one that'll tell you tomorrow's a better day.
I will tell you that it's another day. A day worth taking a photo.
What can you do better than that? (And if you do you're a swiss army knife genius ).
A time will come when all you'll want to do is delete this non-sense message from OPF.... .
Keep up the good work. If you don't believe, others can't do that for you...

just that, it's worth staying:
http://cem.usakligil.com/img/f/o/b08224.jpg

Cem - please don't go! You have given us so much and there is more yet that your experience and wisdom can give to us newcomers. Your well-written 'stickies' have helped me a lot and will continue to be useful to those who follow us.

Please have a happy 2011.

Martin

Cem_Usakligil said:

Here is a recurring emotion I have been wrestling with for over a year. My photography is a total failure and I am extremely disappointed. I have tried to break this downwards spiral and there have been brief periods of time during which I have been fooled to think that perhaps I was doing something meaningful and that somebody out there might have enjoyed my work after all. How wrong have I been! Eventually, there was nothing to soothe the pain of utter disillusionment after trying so hard for so long. I now give up. This is my farewell to photography and also to OPF (in case anybody around here still cares).

Click to expand...

Dear Cem,

There is nothing wrong with your photography. I'm confident that many would feel blessed if they had only half your talent. You have a great feeling for composition and timing. Your technical skills leave little to be desired. The only thing that's currently missing, is inspiration, which is sad.

Inspiration has to do with emotion, and you have plenty of that, as demonstrated by your decision. IMHO, all you need is a sense of direction, a goal. That is not something others can give you, but they may be helpful in finding it yourself.

As we say in the Netherlands, "Don't burn your ships behind you". You already have a portfolio with fine images, waiting to be expanded. It would be a waste to not build further on those foundations.

Therefore my advise is to find an art workshop, or a formal training program for a limited time period. It will force you to be active with images/imaging, and you may get inspired by some new insights. If you don't seek it, you won't find it.

Stay in touch, don't give up.

Cheers,
Bart

Hi, Cem,

I'm sorry to see you discouraged about your photography. We are often our own worst critics - and I don't just mean "most severe".

Actually, we see far too little of your work here.

On another front. I have been so grateful for your insightful comments and observations here on OPF. You have so often steered a discussion out of a fruitless rut.

Selfishly, I recall that often you were the only member who took the time to comment on one of my esoteric technical essays, or defended my position here when others seemed to think that this was DPR.

I urge you to stay true to whatever course suits you, but I hope it is one that we can continue to share here.

Best regards,

Your friend and colleague,

Doug

Cem,

This week, one major event occurred for me. You posted the most helpful, technically advanced contribution to a major block in my own work. Your version of Dancers is so important to me.

More than that, you, as everyone here, but more so, ride the roller coaster of life. There are peaks and valleys. We have no choice about cycles. Life is like that! Sometimes my work and humor seems to be at the highest level and other times everything seems worthless. But without that, we cannot get some perspective and hunt well in the landscape we are in.

Cem, I assure you, that you are not alone in self-doubts. It's that use of that dismissive critical "mirror" that in fact allows scientists to recheck their data many times over. It has folk get advice and support from friends. That's where we as homo sapiens are especially vulnerable. We're all in need of constant self and community support. Charity and empathy begins with one's self. Charity begins at home!

So pat yourself on the back. You are among friends who need you as much and more than you need us.

I personally pat myself on my back just for seeing your work mature over the years while in OPF. You've developed a particularly strong and soulful voice with your many images in the Portal Series. This is one venture of yours that I recognized early on and have encouraged. So put aside the negative and sit with us a while and 2011 is going to be far better with us!

Allow me to respond to your work after having put in the time it merits.

Let me say in public, welcome back. We all value your friendship, support and the work you share!

Asher

Dear Cem

Look at all the work you put into my portfolio in Riskit- what a fantastic job you did, I was so honored to be among such people with such knowledge in photography -
I still am learning and would never think of quitting- I do the art for myself and if others like it great and if not then so be it-
Thank you for being such a friend-I also would love for you to come back- it does take courage just to be "your own artist " no matter what!

Charlotte-

Perseverance

It takes great time and effort to create world-class photographs. When I started photography my results were far from being what they are today. In fact, my first photographs were quite disappointing, even though I had great expectation for them. Until I had the film developed that is. It was then, by looking at my negatives, that I realized that I had a very long way to go.

Only through regular study and constant practice was I able to achieve results that were satisfying to me. But again, my satisfaction lasted only until I opened a coffee table book by some of my favorite photographers and saw how much further I really had to go. For a long time, doing photography was a humbling experience, one that constantly reminded me that I had to continue working hard to achieve results comparable to those of the photographers I admired.

While I am now able to create images that I am proud of, I still work extremely hard at what I do. I continue to study regularly with other photographers. Over the past few years I have studied with Joseph Holmes, Michael Reichmann, Charles Cramer, Tony Sweet, Mac Holbert and other photographers and artists. Even though today I am able to create images that satisfy me, I do not assume that I know everything or that my way is the only way. Constant study and practice, and yes, perseverance, are the keys to success.

Don't give up, no matter how difficult the challenge might seem. You are most likely much closer to succeeding than you think. Often, it is this last final push that is the hardest. But if you do give this final push, you will find out that the rewards greatly outdo the hardships you had to go through.

Cem mon ami,
Pour beaucoup de raisons que tu connais, je ne participe presque plus à OPF bien que j'y ai trouvé mes meilleurs amis (Asher, you, Bart, Michael et quelques autres).
Je lis ton poste alors que je me repose à Lisbonne pour quelques jours...
Hier, alors que je visitais avec Marine le musée d',art contemporain de Belem, regardant une photo, je me suis dit, ceux-là ne connaissent pas la série Portals de Cem!
Is that enough?
OPF CAN survive without you, mais tu dois continuer ton travail photographique!
Il est trop important et significatif !

J'attends !

Amitiés

Cem, (If you're still reading this thread)
There's nothing anyone can say to convince you that your photographic adventures have merit and exhibit a nice insight. Reading and re-reading your message clearly indicated that what you seek is something from within you, something that others cannot persistently provide.

I absolutely understand that feeling and can tell you that it's extremely common among artists. (Amateur photographers tend to just get bored after the kids grow up, shove the camera in a drawer and take up chasing young women, a much more costly adventure.) The discouragement of self-disappointment claims most would-be artists, even more so than simply going broke.

So, perhaps contrary to others, I encourage you to put the camera down and back away for a while. Perhaps it really isn't a pastime that can ever satisfy you. Perhaps you're putting too great of expectations upon yourself. (Ex: It's almost impossible to become very accomplished in photography while working at a full-time job.) Maybe one day, in a few years, you'll pick the camera up again but this time free of the mantle of expectations you now wear. You'll snap a shot or two in a carefree manner and be pleased with the results. Perhaps that will lead you toward a more satisfying revisitation of photography.

Either way, do what you feel is right for you. But you should not feel as if you were a "failure" at photography. Rather, perhaps the path you walked was what failed you.

Best regards for 2011, Cem!

Damnit, Cem, stop this!

If you're a failure at photography, then I am an embarrassment. Do you know how discouraging it is to hear you dismiss your work as a failure? Hell, I might as well put my equipment up on ebay.

Time for some tough love, my friend. Are you a failure? What does "failure" mean? Does it mean that it doesn't sell? Bad, bad criterion. Look here: This is a list of ten artists of all types who were not appreciated during their lifetime. Are these artists failures? Vincent Van Gogh, El Greco, Franz Kafka, Johan Sebastian Bach, Henry David Thoreau, Poe, Gaugin, Keats.....etc.

Does failure mean you're not satisfied with your work? How many true artists are?

Are you feeling overlooked and not appreciated? I can understand why, but it's not the case. Cem, please email me. You need to figure out what the real issue is. But don't abandon your many friends here.

We love you, damnit.

Cycles we all contend with!

Everyone, Cem provides an example of the sea we all sail in. The wind is with us and we make good speed! We pass planned points and record our commendable progress on our charts. At the best times, we take for granted our own skills and good fortune.

Then there are dark times. Waves thunder over us, steep and vicious. We get battered! Hope is gone! What fairness is there? We'll not survive another monster wave let alone another night.

Then as suddenly as it left, calm returns and the sun shines. Crew repair the sails. We're back on course! We make bold plans again!

That's life. These are the cycles all have to contend with.

No one is free of this. We just get respites. So at the worse times, remember this is not personal, it's not about you, it's just the way life is.

Asher

So I take pictures, would like to do good work and be recognized: Measuring Success!

Photography is our passion. Let's exclude the art school maverick and geniuses with staying power. For the rest of us, what then?

Do we indeed need to exhibit in a renowned gallery to be a "success"?

I'd argue, not at all. For as many reasons for us to photograph there must be an even greater number of measures by which we must assess our work. For myself, I'd take a lot of pleasure just knowing that photography that pleases me, also provides pleasure to others.

For you Cem, as a lot of others, you use very harsh standards by which your work must be judged to be a success. There's no need for that. One can have strict self-criticism, but still have joy. After all, your photography helps others see and feel and imagine what you yourself experienced; and more so is the works significance in a cultural sense. Your work succeeds by such tests. Knowing this should be of some modest value to you.

We can and do support each other and, through that, ourselves. Here again, our work can be a success; modest, but realistic!

Still, if there are discovered fine and substantial collections of pictures with common motifs and underlying form, then we might devote part of the forum to this in the new year. We could even publish select works. Maybe that will help folk deal with the "success issue".

Asher

I'm a pro photographer, been one for 10 years, I'd still say that I don't take photography that seriously, including for myself. It's fun, it's cool, it can achieve, it isn't however my lifes raison d'tre in any way nor would I ever let any pursuit become that important to me that I would either 'give it up' or decide that I had to continue it.

Keep the cameras, heck sell them all and buy this Fuji X100 when it's released. When you are in the mood to photograph then photograph, when you aren't then don't. Most importantly, never let any hobby or pursuit rule you to the extent that you take it this personally, heck, life it too short.

You can become a pro photographer with a fraction of your skill set (unfortunately, heck half the newcomers fit that description), if that was your goal then you set it way too high. Did you read Alain Briot's recent essay on talent? Looking at his first pictures and remember he was an art student, my wife's first photos were better and she shot a single roll of film then said she couldn't be bothered any more! Alain is a full time fine art photographer (the rarest breed!) and a recognised educator in the field. His entire essay is based on the fact that it had nothing to do with some sort of magical ability but it was a lifetime of hard work, surmounting failures and disappointments and just plain perserverance.

I am very well aware that my own 'talent' is medicore in general in pretty much every field. I'm not particularly intelligent, not at all academic and I will never achieve greatness, don't have the drive to be honest apart from anything else. However although the internet has put us on first name terms with the few, the very few, who are the tops of this profession, the vast majority of this world are not and never will be any different to myself. Once I'd realised that I knew that I was only ever photographing for myself and if anyone else wanted to join in the ride, I was more than grateful. But it was my journey and if I do it alone, heck, I'm doing it for me not anyone else.

I don't know if you've been following my project in Jerusalem (www.timelessjewishart.com). All in all I have some 40 images in total. Over a period of 3 years almost exactly. I could have done it in 3 months to be honest if I'd put my energies to it, it doesn't take that long to take 40 images in a small city, especially when you are only working in a small part of it. However I doubt it would have been as good as a body of work. I do not let photography dictate my life, when I'm in the mood, when I have a drive, I go out and photograph, I create. Most of the time I'm a lazy sod who can't be bothered getting off my tuches! However when I do go out it's with all the drive and motivation which creates what I have achieved. I drive it, it does not drive me.

Chill friend, take control of the hobby and let it become your slave not vice versa, only then will you be able to enjoy it.

Here is the link to the essay on Talent that Ben refers to:

Rethinking Talent

" take control of the hobby and let it become your slave not vice versa, only then will you be able to enjoy it."
Ben Rubenstein

That's an important point. This happens much faster than people believe. We can become "slaves" to buying equipment for example, and spend way more money than we originally intended by "blowing" our original budget. We can become slaves to what people say about our work, slaves of their critiques, and feel we have to do everything they say or fix everything they dislike. We can become slave to the business, if we do this as a business, and be slaves to making a specific income, or reaching specific business goals, or outdoing our competition, or trying to please everyone. We can become slaves of our own personal goals, trying to reach an impossible standard of perfection not knowing that absolute perfection does not exist. And we can become slaves of a myriad other things. We need to watch out. I have been there, not to all that I mentioned, but to quite a few. And let me tell you, it wasn't fun. Far from there!

Cem_Usakligil said:

Here is a recurring emotion I have been wrestling with for over a year. My photography is a total failure and I am extremely disappointed. I have tried to break this downwards spiral and there have been brief periods of time during which I have been fooled to think that perhaps I was doing something meaningful and that somebody out there might have enjoyed my work after all. How wrong have I been! Eventually, there was nothing to soothe the pain of utter disillusionment after trying so hard for so long. I now give up. This is my farewell to photography and also to OPF (in case anybody around here still cares).

Click to expand...

Well, long time no hear.

I do care Cem.

I will send you my contact details, skype, email and phone per PM. I am on skype this evening from around 8PM your time on. Feel free to contact me if you want, if it can be of any help, even just listening and offering my views might be useful then again, it might not. (grins)

In any case, I am here for you if you want!

All my best wishes
Georg

So, George, what happened during your 2 years hiatus from this site? (no posts between December 2008 and December 2010). I was ready to believe you quit too but apparently not?

Alain Briot said:

So, George, what happened during your 2 years hiatus from this site? (no posts between December 2008 and December 2010). I was ready to believe you quit too but apparently not?

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Quit?

That's is not in my blood Alain! Still surviving, learning, doing music, photography, in that order. Preparing an exhibition for March... I am behind... as usual. (smile)

Georg,

I didnt think it was in your blood (quitting) but I thought I'd get your attention ;-)

Good for you. Hang in there. I wish you all the best for your upcoming exhibition.

Alain

Gratitude is better than depression. Being grateful is an optimistic state of mind, while depression is a pessimistic state of mind. Today, because of the recession and other ongoing issues, many feel depressed and beat down. Thinking of what you can be grateful for is an effective way to combat depression.

Gratitude generates action, while depression generates inaction. Action leads to finding solutions and to feeling better about yourself. Simply making the decision to act, to move around and to start looking for solutions is enough to lift your spirits. On the other hand, staying in one place, not moving, thinking there is no way out, will keep your mind "in the dark” so to speak. Taking action, and being grateful, goes a long ways towards making you feel uplifted and positive.

Cem,

We haven't had a chance at much direct conversation here, but I do remember some of your work (and seeing more at your sample page). If you are having second thoughts about YOUR photography, what should I think about mine?! The meaning I'd like to convey here is that lately I've been having similar thoughts about my own work. I mean, I haven't posted ANYTHING to my blog in 6 months tomorrow. That said, I have the day off tomorrow and am half-planning to put SOMETHING up. Sometimes I do the work and don't immediately see anything I like, but when I go back, I usually find some redeeming work... and thats just the creative side of the doldrums...

Although I haven't added it all up, I'm sure this endeavor of mine is not even break-even - not even close. I imagine actually trying to make a commercial go of this photography thing is a daunting task, even under ideal circumstances... So there's a whole world of non-creative torture that can go with it... finances!

So, you are not alone but I'm sure your particular struggle pushes you to feel that way. Its obvious that you are well-liked by the response you've gotten to your letter, so all is not lost! My best advice is to look beyond your struggle and find whatever it is for you that is compelling you to give up something you've worked so hard at. Listen to trusted friends. Perhaps you're right, perhaps it is time to move on to something new and hopefully better in life. Perhaps there is something in your way that you have control of but aren't aware of - the unknown unknown so to speak. It might be worth the effort of discovery. Not easy, but maybe worthy.

All that to say, you are not alone and I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

Sincerely,

What makes Cem's statement particularly poignant is first the final tone of his message and second Cem's absence. We are left trying to help someone who is absent. Someone whose mind, if we take his statement to the letter, is made up.

This gives to the conversation a dramatic tone. It's like trying to help someone standing at the top of a building, ready to jump. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Whether we consider the reasons motivating this person valid or not is quite irrelevant. These decisions are personal and emotional, not public and rational. As such our public attempt at reasoning this person is bound not to be very convincing to them.

The fact is that knowing how to stay motivated is an important aspect of being successful in any endeavor, and particularly in endeavors where our personality and creativity are at stake. We have to learn how not to get demoralized because our results are not what we expect them to be. We also need to learn how to cope with criticism. One has to develop an armor plated ego to stay in this for the long term! Otherwise, it is tempting to quit at the first sign that not everyone is supportive or because criticism is harsher than we would like.

In the long run, our limitations are not only artistic, technical, or financial. In other words, we are not limited only by our resources. We are also limited by our ability to cope with adversity and disapointment. These can surface for different reasons. They may be caused by our actions, or they may be caused by the actions of someone else. However, in the end having to face adverticity forces us to ask how hard we are wiling to work on this and whether or not we have reached our limits. For some, the answer is "whatever it takes". For others the answer is "I'm done." Yet for others the answer is "Let's wait and see."

Regardless of individual decisions, the outcome is usually depression. Dealing with depression is unfortunately something that most artists have to do. Some are more prone to it than others, but most, if not all, are prone to it to some extent. There are remedies to depression. In an earlier post I mention the importance of being grateful. Gratitude works. Another proven remedy is action. Depression causes inaction. By replacing inaction by action, you remove one of the main pillars that support depression. Do so regularly, and it will cave in.

I've noticed you haven't posted much, Ed. Nor have I. I've been feeing quite stale, so I've put the camera down for a while. I'll come back to it, but in the meantime I'm keeping tabs on everyone here and trying to stay in touch. I hope Cem will, too.

Alain Briot said:

What makes Cem's statement particularly poignant is first the final tone of his message and second Cem's absence.

Click to expand...

It's far easier to deal with a friend who one comes to distrust or has gone tired of. However, here, the friend is really still around, lingering here daily. No doubt he's following the discussion he's initiated publicly, PMing buddies here, all exactly as he did previously several times already, with the same panful thread here as he initiated then too. It seems he's he's still struggling with his view of himself. Likely then, it has little to do with the actual worth of any of us, Cem's work or himself. It's just a cycle that happens and has to be traversed. It's his way of seeing things and existential worth one then finds. That's what needs healing not the art!

This just needs time, perhaps. It might be now, next week 6 months or never again. OPF has open doors. We make no demands, but treasure everything shared.

When he posts his ideas, comments, new work or maybe the very interesting version of Dancers he kindly worked up for me using DXO and photoshop, that will signal his comfort in actually engaging to some extent. There's much to discuss but one can't converse with a spirit. I'm happy enough that he lingers and we can give him all the time in the world. Everyone has to find their own comfort level and we cannot take away much of the pain of struggle, just the idea that fate has a personal agenda.

Alain Briot said:

We are left trying to help someone who is absent. Someone whose mind, if we take his statement to the letter, is made up.

This gives to the conversation a dramatic tone. It's like trying to help someone standing at the top of a building, ready to jump. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Whether we consider the reasons motivating this person valid or not is quite irrelevant. These decisions are personal and emotional, not public and rational.

Click to expand...

Exactly! You have a good perspective.

I'm convinced that he knows we value his work. That in fact remains that OPF, is one of his "life lines", so to speak. Otherwise he wouldn't set us up this way, so we are tested to reaffirm our commitment, again and again.

Still, there's value to us in discussing our own misgivings about the way we handle the cycles of confidence we have in life. That's the value, irrespective of any effect on Cem.

Asher

Asher,

Thank you for sharing your insights about Cem. I only knew what I read in the public part of the forum. But I know a lot about disappointment, discouragement, depression and the like having been in this for a long time and having had many opportunities to quit!